NATURE

As an exited woman, I have found my move to Devon and small town life a life-changer.

I have always been a big city girl, never imagine living without its chaos and choices. 

Never imagine liking stillness, quiet and a regular lifestyle.

But moving to Devon is best thing I have ever done, even with its many faults I have found a home.

Say that again - found a home.

Before I have had places to live and survive in, but never a real home.

I had a roof, but no sense of real safety, no sense of being rooted or belonging.

I love Manchester, but still live to run away at any sign of threat or danger.

In Manchester, I live to die, I would still self-harm and dream of suicide.

I got cats to stop suicide - but still wander the streets carelessly looking for danger and men full of hate.

In Manchester, my home was a living site of broken mental health and outward images of my response to trauma.

My home was a wreck, so untidy it was a health hazard. But I was too ill to know that.

I wanted mess to prevent anyone entering my flat - all the time destroying my will to live.

In Manchester, I was lost but imagine I was found.

Moving to Devon, made me see how ill I was.

This affected my writing. 

I found it hard to write without stopping.

I needed to stop and see the quiet, see the stillness and slowly allow peace into me.

I needed to face how ill I was, and learn to receive help.

I found the love of my sister, I slowly found a few people I could trust with my past.

But I mainly found the joy of a regular life, the joy of living in unexciting times.

And I remember my love of nature.

I do not care to know the names of birds, landscapes and trees that I love - I just want to slow down and admire them.

I love living where every day I see the sky changing, every day I heard the racket of birds, every day is the same but different.

Nature is healing but indifferent.

I stand looking into beauty, seeing history, seeing wildlife, seeing change with purpose.

I am small here, but expand into the trees, into the moors and reaches out into Cornish dreams.

I have found a home - a place to have a family, a place to rest and change, a place that is mine and loves visitors.

I found this has stopped my writing - so I have decided to start from scratch.

I needed to change what I write to.

I needed to be deeper and in some ways speak to the personal without censorship.

I needed to be personal to be political.

For I believe that everything I write is political - for I want society to change enough to end all of the sex trade.

But my belief is deeply personal -for my body and mind desires this revolution urgently. 

It is my body that knows the grief, pain and confusion of being exited - as my brain carries my past.

Nature helps me to have the energy and clearness to start again.

I am not sure where my writing will go, but hope you can journey with me.